and what else? do i miss him? really him? or just comfortability? dealing with c's problems or helping or whatever it is i do is making me feel ilek i made the right choice, or handled it well i guess is a better description, however, is making me wish i had something still. and i hate that he doesnt have time to even want to write back to me, busy as always. because i do think about him and want him around, i think. even i if i can rationalize circles around why its better to know why i "really" think i need him, even as a friend, it just doesnt make me feel any better.

a bunch of things

i really need to get a grip on weight stuff. obviusly im not dangerous - i weigh the same as ever - but im overfocusing again, wishing i could eat less, make myself run more, etc. i hadnt gotten otn eh scale - and for good reason - for what, three weeks now. got on this am after pilates and was 152. more than ive been since before november. so of course i equate that, even though i know full well that exercising more, etc means more muscle, with being fatter than when i broke up with p. now what i have also realized is that at no point in my life have i really felt good about my body and always look back at pictures and say, i was soo much thinner, then, even though at that time i had inflicted the same sort of constant barrage of negative self talk that i currently subject myself to. i dont know right now, i just wish i could not get so caught up. dont have a solution so much.

Numero Uno

So I'm starting a blog. well then. for now we'll consider it a forced journal, a place for solid verbal outpourings. also good to have somewhere to write better english than the stuff i use in email - ouch. also to avoid the business speak im getting corralled into more and more every day. it sort of feels like my brain is atrophying so this will be fun. we'll see if i make it public, but for now, as far as i know, its just me.

i've intentionally steered away in this little inauguaral post, from over philosophical musing, but there wil certainly be some. and thats fine. but i've been thinking a lot lately (not that there times without serious over analysis in my life, but whatever) and the thought of all the depth of the psychological reasons for publicly announcing one's day to day life exhausts me right now.

here we go!

xo
c