a bunch of things

i really need to get a grip on weight stuff. obviusly im not dangerous - i weigh the same as ever - but im overfocusing again, wishing i could eat less, make myself run more, etc. i hadnt gotten otn eh scale - and for good reason - for what, three weeks now. got on this am after pilates and was 152. more than ive been since before november. so of course i equate that, even though i know full well that exercising more, etc means more muscle, with being fatter than when i broke up with p. now what i have also realized is that at no point in my life have i really felt good about my body and always look back at pictures and say, i was soo much thinner, then, even though at that time i had inflicted the same sort of constant barrage of negative self talk that i currently subject myself to. i dont know right now, i just wish i could not get so caught up. dont have a solution so much.